Airlines

Occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard and/or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a
stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas.  WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced:

"Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you and remember, nobody loves you,or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area.  Please place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children
or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City.  The flight attendant came on
the intercom and said:  "That was quite a bump and I know
what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight
attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here at U.S. Airways."

And from the pilot during his welcome message:  "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!