Just Jokes

Q: What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It's a pain in the neck.

A joke from Steph (you need to read this outloud so you can get the punchline)
~>A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down.  The bartender comes over and says, "Hey, we don't serve mushrooms here, you're gonna have to leave."  The mushroom then says, "But why...I'm a fungi?!" HAHAHAHAHA...didja get it? (*hint* fun-guy!)

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

        Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?

  A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the ladygot on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under
a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile."Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. "Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick
Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. "BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed outloud."

Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

A Texan, a Californian, and a Oregonian were out in the woods camping. By the campfire after dark the Texan opened up a bottle of Yukon Jack, took a swig, threw the bottle into the air, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and blew the bottle to pieces. The Oregonian looked at him and said," Why didn't you finish it?" The Texan drawled, "Its okay, were I come from we got plenty of Yukon Jack" The Californian then pulled out a bottle of Cabernet, took a sip, then threw the bottle into the air, pulled out a small Derringer, and shot the bottle. He then looked around and said, "Its okay, weve got lots of wine in California "The Oregonian then pulled out a micro-brewery ale, drank it all down, tossed the empty bottle into the air, pulled out a .38 special, shot the Californian dead, and caught the bottle. He then looked over at the Texan and said, "It s okay. Weve got plenty of Californians in Oregon, but I have to recycle the bottle."
-My dad thinks this is the funnist joke, but I don't get it. He lived in Oregon for a while, so thats why I guess.

3 buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at anorientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!!"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary fordirections to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts \par trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says in relief, "Thank God".

 ~A Shy Guy Meets A Woman Studying Psychology~
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"