In The Shower
How to Shower like a Woman --
- Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
- Walk to bathroom. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
- Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
- Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
- Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
- Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
- Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
- Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
- Use nail brush to clean toe nails.
- Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
- Cover your entire body in baby oil.
- Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for boyfriend/ husband.
- Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
- Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
- Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize. Moisturize!
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed fleshimmediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How To Shower Like a Man --
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
- Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
- Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear.
- Check for pecs again.
- Get in the shower.
- Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
- Wash your face (not compulsory).
- Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
- Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
- Wash your groin area.
- Wash your behind, with your wife's/girlfriend's loofah.
- Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat.
- Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap (no need for conditioner).
- Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Sample your girlfriend's/wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Pee.
- Blow your right nostril.
- Blow your left nostril.
- Rinse off and get out of the shower.
- Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.
WHY ITS GREAT TO BE A WOMAN
Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
You know The Truth about whether size matters.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower (unless your military).
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her butt.
If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
You've never had a goatee.
Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You don't have hair on your back.
The Differences Between Men and
Women
--- by Dave Barry ---
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them
is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't
sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for
that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading
this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy,
more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was
feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again.
I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they
better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather?
It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to
come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a
person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty I'll give them agoddamn
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' asks Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have ...Oh God, I feel so...'' (She
breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really
know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work.) ''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that
way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become
very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.
At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag
of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun
of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice
in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back
there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures. It's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is
also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over
it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for
nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue
to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his
and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine
ever own a horse?'